The Cockroach Package



So: if you're not a parent, you may not yet have experienced how easy it is to get suckered by photographers.

In the hospital when Audrey was one day old, for example, M made me promise, when the photographer was on her way, that we would not buy anything but a single photo. I happened to be tied up talking to a nurse when the photographer arrived, so he 'took over.' This story ends with us being the proud owners of the Platinum package.

A month later, we get a phone call; apparently the Platinum package includes a 'free' sitting fee and 5x 7 portrait for her one-month birthday. Fast forward to a few weeks after the 'shoot'. We pinky-swear that we will take only our free photo and say a polite but firm 'no thanks' to any subsequent offers. Then, the salesperson shows up with a laptop and, like 80 adorable pictures of Audrey.

We are shown 'value' packages that start at $600 and work downwards to the cheapskate package for $200.

Interestingly, each package has an animal name: the more expensive the package, the more noble the animal--and the more photos, of course. The largest was 'the Dolphin', and the cheapest: 'the Porcupine. See where this is going?

Mais non--surely this company has no intention, whatsoever, of diverting parents away from the suckiest packages. Which would you choose: The Butterfly, The Whale, Dolphin...or the Wombat, Porcupine, the Gerbil or the Muskrat? You get the idea.

So call us the Porcupines, or cheapskates, or wimps. Whatever. It is a truly awful thought that adorable pictures of one's child will be casually deleted from record forever all because she has frugal parents. So we both agree and break out the checkbook. So much for pinky-swears.

Last week: we get another call. Another free sitting and free 5x7. Who can say no to free? But oh--there are so many cute pictures and lo and behold--two new packages at the upper end--packages that go beyond animal names; 'The Artist' and 'The Wunderkind' (or some such nonsense.) But this time we are keeping our wits about us; even the cheapest package is WAY more than we'd like to spend. Are you telling us that we cannot merely buy 3-5x7's? The salesman looks at us incredulously. 'But what about this one, and this?' he asks.

Eventually, he agrees to our request and we (proudly) name our package, 'the 'Cockroach.'